My heart was pounding. Since the day before, my heart had been pounding. Something had changed and I was not sure what it was. But we had agreed to meet and the clock said 10:28am on that Sunday morning. I had been up since 530am after a restless sleep. I was dressed, hair done, makeup done to meet him. I was crawled up in a fetal position. What would happen?
Unable to sit any further, I went across the street. This was what we did. We would walk across the street, walk thru the produce department as if we were at an outdoor market somewhere commenting on what was in front of us and ahead of us. As I walked thru, I thought of those moments so insignificant then but so poignant alone. At last, 11am showed its face and the text message came thru.
His car hadn’t changed. Same familiar chair I had sat in countless times and those familiar blue eyes. At the coffee shop, I climbed out first and walked ahead. We sat down and the miles between us showed. After some small talk, the heaviness commenced. We sat there like two wounded animals, exhausted after the fight longing for the simplicity of days past. But with the battle and the dark days still present, I was reluctant.
I kept looking ahead, afraid of eye contact. Eventually I looked over and I didn’t see an enemy. I saw an old friend opening up and I put my hand on his arm and I remarked how his nails although never maintained never looked as bad as mine. Without thought, I moved my chair over closer to him.
But today as I sat in my chair, all the fear and anxiety came roaring back. I heard the answer I wanted but why wasn’t I exploding in glee? Hesitation, fear, and anxiety were all I felt. Eventually, I was able to pull away and realize how natural it was so be hesitant. It just showed how bad I wanted it to work and how scared I was to lose the love of my life again.
I got home, put on my running shoes, and headed out into the night. Step after step, I realized why I could never run and why I am here alone. Because I never developed the patience to do it right. I stopped once on my run today but it was a good first step in learning patience, in learning to build things correctly. I may have run under a mile but I did it the right way.
And we will also rebuild, only this time it will be the right way.